17 November 2011
I have been living half a life since I was diagnosed with this rare medical condition called Non-Insulinoma Pancreatogenous Hypoglycaemic Syndrome (“NIPHS”).
The tests after tests, the merry-go-round of doctor-visits, the frustrating waits, the physical and emotional drainage, the unanswered cries, the disappointments, the helplessness… I’m so done with it, so done with it.
This morning - another ordinary morning, I sent Iain to school. I updated him on the latest developments of my quest in seeking help from doctors. I have always talked to him like an adult, without holding back information, because he understands. But, unexpectedly, this ordinary morning turned out to be extraordinary.
I told him about the exorbitant cost if I were to have my surgery performed in Singapore
“I’ll go with you,” he insisted.
“Let me think about it,” was my reply. I sank back into my thoughts.
After a brief moment of silence, he said, “you know, Mie (Mommy), maybe God is trying to heal you, but you refuse to let Him in.” I was definitely taken aback by his astounding statement. But I did not respond.
As I drove along, I did not realize Iain was weeping quietly until I stopped at a junction. Seeing that, my eyes instantly welled up with tears. I held his hand tightly and said, “Don’t worry, God is watching over us, right?” He broke into tears uncontrollably. It broke my heart to see him so sad. I tried really hard to fight back my tears.
“I’ll call Dr John. You’ll go with me, right?” He kept nodding.
Yes, I will try the healing session, for Iain. Of course, he does not and will never know why I resisted going. Just like what Dr John said, “it’s free! God is the Healer. God is almighty!” But deep in me, I feel guilty. I have not been faithful in going to church, I have not been committed at all. I do not deserve His love, His healing. The guilt is so intense that I cannot possibly bring myself to accept His unconditional love. I cannot face Him. I do pray and talk to Him, but to accept His healing? I really do not deserve that. Forgive me, O Lord!
But yes, I will go. For Iain. I do not want to break his heart. He loves me, I know. He has always been the reason I moved on with life… my bitter divorce, followed by challenging financial problems, and compounded by jobless months… Just when I was so devastated with life, he came to me and reminded, “don’t worry, Mommy, God has better plans for us – plans to prosper us and not to harm us.” “Really?” I asked in tears. “Yes, Mie. I show you the verse…”
I have to record this episode even though it is very tiring for me to write instead of resting at my leisure time, simply because it is one of those special moments in life that I treasure. I want Iain to know I treasure him. I want him to read this after my passing. I know this day will come, as my condition has deteriorated lately.
If I ever leave this world, remember this: I love you, Iain. I love you.
